Warning: Pee is everywhere.
It's everywhere I tell you! This epiphany is just as disturbing to me as it is to you, trust me. Here I am going about my merry way, going to work everyday, watching the Bachelorette and the Challenge, maaaaaybe fucking a little too much, playing soccer, getting yelled at by my mom for drinking too much even though she has no idea what I do with my life- you know the usual, and then wham- I find out there's pee everywhere. Now comes the TMI part. No not the stuff I already said...the following admission. Yesterday I got a UTI. That stands for SHOOT ME IN THE FACE I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PEE EVERY 2 MINUTES EVEN THOUGH WHEN I GET TO THE BATHROOM NOTHING COMES OUT BUT IT STILL BURNS. Or- Urinary Tract Infection.
I am all too familiar with the woes of UTI-dom. After I started having sex at the end of my freshman year of college (raise the roof!) I got them all the time. I even ended up being in a study where they monitored my UTI-ness, and then eventually the problem went away. Until 3 weeks ago. When it returned. It had been almost 5 years since my last UTI and then all of a sudden it's back. I go to my doctor and she runs the lab reports and is like oh honey, that's definitely a UTI...did you have sex with a new partner recently? I was like no but I had sex 5 times in one day this weekend. She's like Ohhhhh good for you! That's just wonderful. Well, make sure you use protection while you're on the antibiotics. And I was off. Down to the pharmacy to get the pills that would allow me to function again, and I thought it was a fluke, or rather, just too much fucking in one day. But then yesterday happened and now I'm scared. Yesterday it came on like a tsunami. One second I'm in a meeting with my sales team talking about networks and applications and the next I'm sprinting from my cube to the toilet where I pretty much have to take calls from for the next couple of hours. I finally get a cab up to the Drs to pee in a cup to confirm that I had another UTI to then get the medicine- the sweet sweet medicine- that makes me human again, and I realize. Pee is everywhere.
In the midst of the onset of this horrendous UTI I at least had the sense to make a run to Walgreens for the tiny purple pills that turn your pee bright orange and soothe the pain just a little bit. Hours later when I've left work early to head to the Drs to pee in a cup, the pills have finally started to work, and as I warned the urine sample technician guy in the lab- just so he wasn't alarmed- my pee was bright orange. I get to the bathroom, put the cup under the stream, grab an inch or so of pee, and seal up the cup. Now, it stands to reason that there would be some pee on the cup, which I diligently wiped off with some paper towels, and maybe a little in the sink area from where I was wiping the cup off and washing my hands. But as I stepped back from the sink I noticed LITTLE ORANGE DROPS EVERYWHERE. And this is why god made pee clear. There were a few drops at the foot of the toilet, some near the garbage where I threw the paper towels, I swear there was one in my hair- I don't know. I DO NOT KNOW. I'm just saying it was everywhere, and it was alarming. So I ran off and vowed never to pee again. But really I just started to take notice of the orange drop situation every following time I went pee, and even when not peeing in a cup at the DRs office, and while being very cognizant of how you're peeing- and trying to AVOID any orange drops- it still happens. This morning in my office bathroom after I was done wiping, I noticed two orange drops on the toilet paper roll. WHY!!!!??? Is it impossible to just pee in the pot- wipe- and move on? No spillage? Apparently. And I can only assume it's not just me.
So all I'm saying is you've been warned.
